AreYouLovingOrLeavingOrLyingOrDyingAway

I feel so absolutely guilty. But I have no idea why. I had a great weekend, and although it isn't even over yet, I feel like I'm missing something. Or missing out on something. So maybe that wasn't the complete truth. I guess there are a couple of reasons why I might feel apologetic. Although I shouldn't. I mean, how can you challenge something that doesn't have a definition? No, not what you think. It's so impossible. And I just keep thinking the same six thoughts over and over. I guess if I'm not careful, they might turn into a dozen.

One of the six: although I'm disappointed in so many people, there's always someone who surprises the shit out of me.

TooOldToJustBreakFreeAndRun(?)

I'm so confused about what I want. (Surprise.) Before I graduated from college I wanted to move just about anywhere that wasn't where I grew up. Nothing against it, I just figured I'd lived in Westchester, I'd lived in Albany... it was time to try something different. And then, after moving to my mom's new house and trying to adjust being 40 minutes away from my amazing friends, and an hour+ away from New York, I realized that I wanted to be closer to them; closer to my city, or at least in some sort of civilized proximity. But these last couple days, I just want to go. I just want to hop on a train with my luggage and completely detach myself from everything that I call my daily routine. Not the people....not entirely, anyway..... And I think: well, what about UChicago, or North Western? If I go for something solid (but temporary,) like school, it's easier to think about. What's exactly keeping me here? Would I hear any valid objections as to why I shouldn't go? Probably not. I think it would be a nice change.

One time a thing occurred to me...

...what if it's nothing like I pictured it all this time? What if I don't live in the few locations I've thought about planting myself? What if he's not there? And she's not there? And they're not there? What if I have a completely separate life than I have now? I mean, I know things aren't going to stay the same, as well they shouldn't... but what if my future is not a continuation of what I've begun to build? What if it's a completely separate life? What if we decide that a bean farm in Hawaii is the best option? What if my children don't grow up knowing my friends? What if I really can't have kids? What if she goes, and loves it there, and never wants to come back? What if I get suckered into a job I hate and a pension plan I yearn for? Tentativeness has never scared me before. It's always made me excited about life. But I suddenly have this pit in my stomach that tells me she really is leaving... and he's really not coming back. Or worse yet, what if nothing ever changes? I guess that's the bigger question.